overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
