She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
