New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
