I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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