I checked into jail on foursquare
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
