What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
