You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
