I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Bring me that man meat
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
