Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
