I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
