Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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