I wish I could punch you in the face.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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