The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
