worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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