just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
