dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
