I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
