soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
