just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
