I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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