"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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