Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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