I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
