i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
