he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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