In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
