I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
