Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
