She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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