i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
