Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
