I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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