My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
