i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
