First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
