Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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