i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
