just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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