Michael Bay diarrhea
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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