Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
