I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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