Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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