Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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