I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
