it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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