I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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