U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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