I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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