Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
