I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I checked into jail on foursquare
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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