So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
